State of Mind

Beheta Hai Mann Kahin, Kahaan Jaante Nahin, Koyi Rok le Yahin
Bhaage Re Mann Kahin, Aage Re Mann Chala, Jaane Kidhar Jaanu na

There cannot be better expression than this of my restless state of mind..

It hovers from past, present and the future..takes me through a roller coaster ride of emotions...happiness, anger, sorrow. It takes me to my contended childhood days in Jaipur where every evening I used to wait for the clock to strike 4 and I could go out and play, it takes me to my home in Allahabad, which lies deserted and lonely without its occupants..it makes me travel to Dhaka, to that annual day celebrations when Sister Barbara hugged me tight for winning 10 awards for the year for my accomplishments in sports, debate, literature and drama....and then suddenly it flies to the day when I left Delhi for Pune, an unknown city, leaving behind loads of good and bitter memories...it races to the joyous day when I got my first salary cheque..and all of sudden when I bask in joy of that memory, my mind takes me back to that rainy day in Dhaka, my adorable pet's last loving gaze...my mind flies to those anxious days in Jaipur, when I used to eagerly wait for my brother to come home once a year for his vacations...from there it takes me to that garrulous Brazilian lady cab driver of Bentonville, who told me in every detail of her first love and her first date under moonlit night at Sao Paulo...it is then transcended to the day when I said goodbye to Pune, a city where I thought I will not be able to stay more than 6 months, and I spent 6 valuable years of my professional life under the able guidance of some intelligent souls, and then all of a sudden all my wandering halts at the ICU of the Hinduja Hospital Bombay, when I last spoke to my father.

But why I wonder, why is my mind so restless, why does it make me cry and smile at the same time? Why is my mind expecting from those who shall not look back, why does it give me a ray of hope about the coming days? Why does it give me consolation that to every cloud there is a silver lining?...perhaps Milton said it right...The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven.

Dhhundhhu main kahaan usko, batlaaye koyi mujhko; Ke haan haan haan re Bhaage re mann kahin..